A Revelation

This entry has little to do with travel, but I thought, “Hey, why not? Maybe one of the 10 people who actually read this blog will get some feels from what I have to say about myself.”

So here goes.

I’m almost 30. I have 4 months as of tomorrow actually and I will be the big 3-oh. I always imagined feeling scared and old at this point in my life, but lately, it’s anything but. Last week Wednesday I did something that, for me, is a huge deal. I had my BFF cut off all my hair. I was so nervous, I was giving myself hives. It’s the first time in my life I’ve done something that transformed the way I look at myself everyday, and it somehow has made me feel like a different person.

The last few years have been a mixture of building my grooming business, paying off debt, and looking into the future to a time when I can start living my dream. Everyone has heard that you truly start living when you retire, when you have the free time, the stashed cash, and the empty nest. That’s what I had been working towards. But then, one day, I realized that that dream wasn’t mine. It was a dream that I had been lead to believe was what everyone wanted and what everyone strove for; the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids and the golden retriever. The stable corporate job and the SUV were things I was supposed to have, or want.

I sit here, closing in on 30, with no kids, no house, no corporate job and no ‘normal’ plans for my life. At a point I felt like I was letting down our parents with my non-ordinary lifestyle but on Wednesday something weird just clicked in my head. I cut off my hair. I finally cut off my expectation of what I was suppose to be. My long hair was safe and conservative. My new hair is edgy, has attitude, it flies in the face of what society expects from an educated middle-class almost 30-year-old. I even watched a youtube video on how to properly do my eye make-up to match the attitude of my hair. I’ve been wearing a sly smile for the last three days and it’s been matched by Marcus’ adoring smile, almost like he’s seeing me come out of my shell too.

I have plans for my life now. Plans to travel, plans to do things that people tell me are pointless or need to wait until later. I should be buying a house, not gallivanting the world, but that’s just not my perogative. I don’t want someone else’s life for once! I want my own! I don’t care what someone thinks of my hair, or my shoes, or my job. I care that I’m happy and that I am following the dreams I’ve been suppressing for so long.

You know that rebellious phase a lot of teenagers go through where they want to dye their hair purple and head-bang to alternative rock? That’s happening to me now, albeit a little late, but I feel like I am emotionally ready to handle it. It’s not that I’m rebelling either, but that I’m working towards being comfortable with myself and my life’s choices.

The lesson I’m learning right now is that it’s ok not to live by other people’s or even society’s expectations of life. There should be no time line that you must follow to be accepted by your peers, only the one you set yourself that you accept. I’m having my “A-ha!” moment, and it’s glorious.

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