Two Months Of Silence

78 days ago. That’s the last time I made a post on my blog, my weird journal. Some things have happened, some things have stayed the same. And some things, well they’ve made a 180 and made me spit out my notions of happiness. Some of this will be vague because I’m not ready to spill any beans, but my life is evolving in many ways-as it always should have been. 

Marcus and I took our first real recharge vacation in February and I had the time of my life. For someone who is always judging myself based on how many tasks I can tick off a list each day, it was almost relieving to sit in a beach lounger and read all flipping day. I read a book in a week, and it was a hard book to get through, not one I should have taken on vacation, or so I thought. I read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s the follow up to Eat, Pray, Love, and it’s about her notions of marriage and what society does or doesn’t tell us about such a seemingly innocuous act. My marriage is good. No. Not even good, it’s great. I won’t gush but I will just say that I’m happy and healthy and my marriage is a huge part of that. 

Beyond reading I finally got to do some amazing things that have always given me a bit of fear. I snorkeled in deep water and swam in a sink hole. Deep water and breathing through a tube didn’t go so well at first but I persevered and was rewarded for overcoming the fear. Marcus helped give me some confidence to go on a snorkel trip and I was blessed by a sea turtle. One of my most favorite animals that I’ve only ever seen in aquarium tanks, gracefully gliding through the reef mere feet from my fingertips. It was monumentous for me. I can’t wait to do it again.

Once back from vacation my daily life has resettled but my long term plans have not. Things may be changing and I’m really trying to feel the beauty in it. After all, there is beauty in evolution. 

In terms of my mind, my peace, it’s gaining strength everyday. Yoga and focused meditation have become important to my function, not just my fitness. It’s amazing how much you can accomplish when you just let things happen. We fight so much for what we think is best for us but we fail to let life happen the way it will and often lose so much. 

I’m trying to learn to not be so self critical, but it’s been a personality trait decades in the making. I only wish I knew where it originated from so I could maybe burn its roots and put it to rest. But then again where would I be without that constant push for perfection in my life? Would I have made it to where I am today? Who knows. It’s a funny thing to think about-where other decisions would have placed you by now. Curious. 

Spring is upon us again and I’m wishing it would float in sooner. Snow today but thoughts of 60 next week. I’m ready to plant flowers and take walks with Ella. I’m ready to read on the porch and listen to the robins. Truth, I wish I could have those things year round but that would upset my life more than I care to inflict right now. Sometimes changes are hard and sometimes downright illogical. I fear leaving home would be the later. I shall continue to suffer these winters, if only for stability’s sake. 

I need to get back into writing. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve sat down and let things flow. Sometimes just getting thoughts or emotions out of my own heart helps keep them from overpowering me and helps keep everything grounded. The trouble comes when I want to write about the mundane, but ah, who cares. Maybe I think it’s boring but maybe someone else will have an epiphany over it. Humans are interesting that way, everyone affected by the same stimulus in varying ways. Yes..humans are weird.

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